Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review
By: T.J. “where are you taking my bunny?” Mulligan
I think it is time for a personal confession: I don’t hate Michael Bay. Sure, from all of the interviews I’ve read and seen from him and all the comments I’ve heard him make he seems like a bit of a douche and I probably wouldn’t be fast friends with him personally. As a filmmaker, however, more often than not I’ve been entertained by his work. Growing up I watched The Rock and Armageddon more times then I can count. I never watched either of the Bad Boys films all the way through but even those piqued my interest when I would see the fast-paced action and hear the cheesy dialogue in snippets (the less said about Pearl Harbor, though, the better). The guy caters to a niche of movie goers that want nothing more than to see what are essentially two hour music videos, complete with all the pyrotechnics and deafening loudness they entail. Going into the first Transformers film I had very little expectations as I wasn’t a fan of the shows in my youth and very rarely even played with the toys. What I got was a Michael Bay movie at it’s loud, rollicking best. He followed that up two years later with the sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Now I can’t say I remember a whole lot of specific details regarding that film, but I do remember that the energetic, fun nature of the first film had vanished and we were left with nothing but a shell of the former movie. As an audience member I felt as if Bay was just teabagging us, quite literally, with a set of giant robotic balls (the fact that I saw this movie tipsy and still couldn’t find any joy in it speaks volumes). The speedy announcement of a third film, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, had me questioning just what version of Bay would be stepping behind the camera this time: the guy who is able to just have fun within his niche of over-the-top action, or the one who’s phoning it in, relying on his sketchy storytelling ability to carry the piece.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is set, naturally, after the events of the first two films. The beginning reveals that, in the 1960’s, when the war for Cybertron was taking place, a shit jettisoning from the planet was attacked, forcing it to crash land on Earth’s moon. This prompted the Apollo 11 moon landing mission, which acted as a cover-up to allow the astronauts to investigate the wreckage. Back in the present, the Autobots, now working with the United States government, learn about the ships presence on the moon and reveal details about its cargo: items known as Pillars that allow for transportation of different types of matter, and the ship’s captain and former Autobot leader Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy). When Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) and the other Autobots head to the moon to retrieve Sentinel, they discover only five Pillars remain, the rest of which have fallen into the hands of the Decepticons. Elsewhere, Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) is trying to deal with life after college and having to be a hero in secret. Living with his new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), Sam begins to venture into the working world but soon finds himself caught up in the new threat being mounted by the Decepticons. Together, the Autobots and their human allies must fight to keep the Decepticons from getting their hands on the remaining Pillars and completing their sinister plan.
That description’s a little much, right? Well if you find that to be convoluted you are going to have a field day with this film. This synopsis only covers about 1/8 of all that is attempted to be crammed into this film. And it’s not that the plot is all that hard to grasp or written to be all that complicated, but it ends up being so because of simply awful storytelling. Thus, we get the bad Michael Bay here, the one that thinks he is capable of displaying emotions and real feelings onscreen. Even at its best the story is way reaching, trying to blend the story of the Autobots vs. Decepticons once again with that of Sam, all the while trying to keep up with what happened to other characters from the films past and introducing new characters, both robot and human. The film spends most of the first and second act just trying to sift through the cluster fuck that is itself, distracting from what is most important in a film like this, the action.
It is in the action scenes, however, that this film shows a spark. Lambast Bay all you want for his (lack of) storytelling ability, but that man knows how to film shit blowing up. Every actions scene is a ocular treat, letting the special and visual effects teams take center stage and keeping them much more clear than they appeared in Revenge of the Fallen. The last half hour, which is basically a long action sequence set throughout Chicago, is really a model for what works in this film. In fact the biggest detriment to this sequence, and many others, is a model.
The cavalcade of distinguished actors in the film is astounding: LeBeouf, John Malkovich, John Turturro, Alan Tudyk (who steals more than a few scenes) and Francis McDormand all are very game for a movie about shape-shifting robots, but there has to be a turd in punchbowl. Rosie Huntington-Whitely is that turd. Besides multiple shots of her legs and ass, looking eerily reminiscent of Bay’s Victoria’s Secret commercials, Huntington-Whitely consistently stinks up her scenes. When your acting makes Megan Fox’s work seem award-worthy, you either need an intensive acting boot camp or you need to hang it up. I’m still convinced that the only reason she was cast was so that her giant lips would stick out super far as part of the 3D experience. I get that this is her first film and she was being directed by Bay, but everything you’ve heard or read about her lack of acting ability is true.
At least she still looks good, which should really be Bay’s mantra for his films come to think of it.
I give Transformers: Dark of the Moon 2 giant sets of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley lips out of 5.
